Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Protect yourself from the latest scams in 2013! (read & forward)

Have you ever been scammed before?
Easy steps to protect yourself & what to do after in 2013
Have you ever been scammed before? Scams show up in many shapes and sizes. You have people promising you things with no intentions on delivering. The bad part about it is that they are usually approaching you with a friendly demeanor which makes them blend in with genuine people like you and me. Its their lack of integrity that's missing.
 I was the victim of a scheme this year while applying for a position as a secret shopper online, July of 2013. I filled out the application looking to supplement some income to what many people look at as being a dream job. Who wouldn't want a job who gets paid to shop? This is why its so easy to be taken advantage of especially if you haven't been shopping in a while if you get what I am saying. This is the reason why I am so compelled to share my story to help prevent someone else from making the same naïve mistake I made.

I recently  received an express mail envelope with a letter of instructions & my first 2 secret shopping assignments so I thought, and a check for $1950.00. I was to confirm the check via email to the area manager, then cash it, & take out $350.00 total for myself to begin secret shop. It was to be split up as follows...  $100 for commission for Wal-Mart shopping, plus $50 to buy whatever I wanted and $200 for commission to send the remaining balance to next secret shopper whose name was another lady in Texas.

I wanted to believe it was a good check. I was thinking secret shopper so it had you in a secret mindset. I was thinking of how cool this was, sort of like a secret agent. I guess my positivity had me caught up in my own little world and reality meant that if it doesn't clear a host of other negative things could be the result. Reason began to kick in and so I started to do my research.

What prompted me to start my search was I found myself in a rush and I know being in a rush is usually not good. I finally got a call from NY and it was the manager. He asked if I had got started then I told him my credit union put a 4 day hold on check. All of a sudden this man whom spoke with an accent mentioned to me that he has another secret shop for me to do now, can I come up with about $100 that changed to $200 before the end of the conversation to do another secret shop. This was to cover the cost of delays and UPS shipping fees or something. I then became suspicious because I only had $200 in the account at the time so I am really skeptical. Had I had more than I probably would've fallen for it.

Many people go ahead and deposit the check and think that its cleared because the check is a real check. The bank or credit union actually accepted it so on my statement was over $2000 dollars. I actually feel like I have this money in my grasp but since it was my first time, I didn't go on a shopping spree. Instead I played it cool. My temperament was equanimous (even-tempered), thanks to the free training and meditation I had taken during my Vipassana meditations retreat. For 10 days I had taken a vow of "noble silence". This is great for controlling anger and getting rid of the deepest levels of negativity. The waiting list was well worth it, being that the course is free for 10 days. Besides, I know what buyers remorse feels like if the check doesn't clear and by now my intuition is flaring within, trying to tell me something isn't right about this. All I was thinking was after the check deposits will I be in trouble for fraud? I mean at this point
  don't know so I made sure I kept the papers and envelopes and emails, just in case. 
Most average people who may just have the money to cover the check probably would just make the deposit and then buy up things in advance only to find themselves a couple grand short once its time for the rubber check to come bouncing into the bank account like mine did. This is unfortunately just one scam out of many and the fact is anyone is susceptible when the right one comes your way and depending on where your mind, or needs are at the moment, you can be willing to believe in it. Face it, there is positive and negative thoughts. Negative minds & realist, both look at a glass filled halfway with water as being half empty. They will doubt and assume up front that this check in the mail thing simply isn't true. They are pessimistic and will say things like, no one will give you something for nothing... What's the catch? Positive people are optimistic and may go for it, wanting to believe the best, like myself because they are honest and they truly want to believe that everyone else is honest too. They will say things like, I am good people and I treat people good so its got to be a blessing because I am long overdue. That's me!

Have you ever had your identity stolen? If the answer is no, than lucky you and believe me from what I hear you never want to experience that. It can take years to get this fixed. The fact is there are millions of legit things online that get you to buy so I won't stay off the Internet. It has become the new way of life and of communication in a computer age. I have become pro active now by making others aware and become an advocate against cyber crimes and financial fraud. Fortunately I didn't get in trouble. I was told to make a police report that I was able to do over the phone. My credit union didn't kick me out. I called them and told them what happened. The next week I cashed a check that I had covered in the bank and the funds were immediately available with no problem. I only had to pay a $10.oo reversed check fee. WHEW!!!!!!!!!

The fact is some scams we can walk away and laugh at. It just depends on how severe or damaging its effects are. Everyone has bought into something that didn't turn out the way we wanted it to and it doesn't necessarily mean that its a scam. Sometimes people have high expectations or secret contracts. Sometimes people simply don't read the small fine print. Scams, on the other hand are deliberate lies. They are meant intentionally for your loss and the selfish gains of the other party. It can also take an emotional affect on the person who is being scammed.

If the answer is yes to being a victim of identity theft, then by now, you realize the value of the Life Lock products which protect your credit. I now use this as a preventative maintenance because the bad guys have some of my information but I am protected with fraud alerts in place and everything so they can try if they want to but I am fully protected. Everyone should have this because of how tremendous of a role your identity plays in your life. Its not like buying a pen and if someone steals it then oh well, lets just by another. If you've been a victim before then you definitely don't want to let it happen again especially the higher your credit goes up. Also, don't be misled into thinking that only high credit scorers are the only victims because they aren't. Thieves steal identities for many reasons mainly to avoid tracking crimes back to themselves.
 I have also been victimized with credit fixing scams as well where someone promised to get my score to 720 in 90 days and after 90 days the number was disconnected. They got me for $99 dollars as a special but the price that they were charging others was $99 (times 3) per credit source agency. These are the lil scams that crooks hope you turn your back on and just forget about in a few months. Its small in a sense but lets not get it twisted, this is a federal crime! For the trouble I experienced and the set back of time, I could have paid someone who is legit and honest $600 or $700 to do it properly. It may or may not have been 90 days but if it took 6 months to a year than that would still be wonderful and gone with the wind fabulous as Kenya Moore would say.

Do people get credit restored in 60 days? Yes!
 There are some cases where something that impacts your score horribly comes off within the first 30 days and you may see a sudden spike upward in your score but it is the exception to the rule and not the rule. Most legit companies and credit unions will tell you that the process takes about a year. Its not so hard to get most things removed but you need advice to tell you how to boost your score. Not everyone is qualified or experienced to do so and every scenario is different. What worked for them may not work the exact way for you because its like going to a new casino with a new deck of cards, having a card game of new players every time.
If you really want to see a change for the better start fixing your credit today. You can begin to work toward this goal & this time next year a 700 or higher will be a reality and bad credit will probably never haunt you again if you've learned your lesson. Now that's real! If you don't know where to start and are just overwhelmed I got you! If you know how to dispute things but just don't have the time and simply want to pay the money, I got you too! If you want to make money while your credit is being fixed, simply telling others of the wonderful things you are experiencing, FES is the perfect fit for you & I highly recommend them.

FES also does credit fixing and counseling and I recommend them highly because the product works without the pie in the sky fantasy 90 day pitch. Yes change can occur in as little as 60 days but I like when people under promise and over deliver. That works for me.

Find out more about how you can protect yourself by using this company (FES Financial Education Services) They are listed with the BBB and have been in existence for over 10 years. Don't be afraid to get references or to search the background of any company first. The beauty about the Internet is that there is tons of information, some good, some bad but if its bad there may just be a few haters who may try and write up something bad about you. If you are a decent person you will find waaaaay more good that will out weigh the bad.

Haters are everywhere & unfortunately anyone can have a bad day. Somebody can say something negative about you or your company and for some of you reading this, they already have. In those situations, you simply have to let time be your friend and continue living in a way that will make others who speak evil of you be exposed as the liars they are. If its more severe and intentional lies that harm your reputation or business than a lawsuit may be what the doctor orders for defamation of character.  There is a difference in the company that I did the secret shopping thing with. They had tons of negative things written up about these companies and I couldn't find any good thing about them! It was an official scam!!!

The difference between good company's who have bad days are as such. Good people may make mistakes that they take full responsibility for and will make a mends and try to do right because they want to be in business tomorrow. True scammers are the ones trying to be deceitful and don't care about you or your well-being at all. They will be here today and gone tomorrow. They have no meaning of the word 'Integrity" & they have no conscious. They usually don't know you so therefore, don't take it personal if they attempt to scheme you. Its just the way that they get their money. You get your money making an honest and hardworking living while they like to scheme and prey on the vulnerable not thinking about the hardships that it causes the victim.

                                                                                                       - Jay Danzie


For more information on credit restoration that has a proven track record of successfully helping individuals get back on track with their credit, contact this number. They maintain an A rating with the BBB. They help to educate you, they offer life lock, they will prepare your will, your trust, power of attorney for health & hell, they will even explain to you what all this stuff is and why its important. Most people in a family don't even know where the paperwork is if they have to handle an unfortunate situation. They will not only give you a plan but give you a protective box to keep all your important papers in. FES are not the cheapest but they are one of the best!!! I highly recommend them.
Click on the link for videos and info
or call for a FREE consultation and start TODAY!
FES -Financial Education Services
in the USA -323-332-6943

Also, don't forget to secure your home if you haven't done so by now. Nothing gives you more of a piece of mind when your gone than having a monitored system. Every homeowner should have one. ADT is the most chosen & has a lot of new offers that constantly change. They have also been in business for 130 years for home protection. They aren't trying to sell you cable and telephone services, etc. They do what they do best and that's protect the things that matter most to you! This number is the corporate office and not some dealer who takes short cuts on service.

ADT Security

Use reference code listed for the latest discounts and a FREE security review, and equipment. They usually have the New Pulse system starting from $49.00 to $99.00 on special when you call the special number above. A representative will tell you what it is when they arrive looking very professional.

The Mystery Shopping Providers Association has issued a scam alert.

 Refuse to be the victim and report any scams to

StopFraud.gov - Financial Fraud Enforcement Task Force

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

What's Right? When you don't feel good...

What's Right? When you don't feel good...

There are times when we all go through things. When our mate is going through we often overlook the subtle signs. Sometimes we make up the story that they are just looking for a pity party or excess sympathy. Even if thats the case why can't we give them what they want? Will it kill us to do so? Of course not. Most times giving will in return get you what you want.

When a person says I'm not feeling well today, don't overlook that as being a generic response like most people do when they ask how are you today. Ask them what's going on thats making them feel this way? I personally never ask people what's wrong because it makes a persons mind move towards things that are wrong, and I want them to focus on what's good. It makes you at least get your mind going in a possitive direction. Most times people feel bad from meditating on all the sh%t that's going wrong or fearing the worst!

When you ask what's going on, take about 5 mins to show a genuine concern to the other person. Most times you won't even have to give a response at least not right off. Most times, depending on the problem, people simply want to borrow your ear for listening purposes . Most men usually respond to a woman by simply going immediately to a solution but if its a woman and the problem is mental then they usually don't want your two cent unless they ask specifically. They just want you to listen... It's funny because women will usually talk themselves into the solution if you listen long enough and when they do, just encourage them and tell them your behind them 100%. It will do wonders for them.

When a woman doesn't support her man he will usually go away to his cave and not talk. His feelings shut down and that's not good neither does a woman want that. He will often look for a sounding board that can easily turn into a soft shoulder of another woman who is saying I understand and telling him how great he is and this will pass like everything else did.

Healthy relationships are all about sharing everything... Feelings, good times, bad moments, cooking, laughter, tears, your body and everything else. Don't mess it up by being a wise ass or saying something that would turn the other person off like, why the hell did you do that, or I told you so! Nobody wants to hear those words especially when the first words to come out of their mouth were, "I don't feel good today".

Instead, offer to ask, is there anything I can do? What will fix this situation? How can we make this better? Would you like me to come by and bring my cheer you up hat with me? If its a man, the hat with some lingerie may immediately help. if its a woman, some flowers, a card and genuine attentiveness may turn into a bedroom moment but don't rush in and don't expect it because if she isn't relieved than mentally then forget it! Alleviate the problem first but maybe not how a man thinks.

Me and my sister as little kids had this thing where we hated to go to the bathroom by ourselves. We would ask the other person to simply come along and "do tricks" (in our childhood terminology). What is meant was we were bored boo booing and so the other person would come in a swing on the shower curtains and dance doing stupid faces etc. it's funny as hell looking back but at the time when your constipated, it makes the time fly past! The good ole days!

When your going through, you want someone to make you feel better if possible. While we are living we will experience pain, either physically or mentally at some point. How do we release the pressure? Sometimes it's the medicine of laughter, sometimes it's the words of comfort, sometimes a gift at the right time, sometimes it's simply your presence and just "BEING WITH THEM" that means the world! You may know this term as EMPATHIZING.

Whether its a funeral, nervousness, catching someone cheating, a break-up, job loss, pregnant or simply going through a sickness. Maybe it doesn't seem like its so serious to you but know that you don't have to be a smart ass that says well all you have to do is such and such... like your the magic Genie coming off as inconsiderate and a know it all. Go through the strom with them. Let them attempt to work it out themselves and if that doesn't work, then offer to lend a hand or advice. If they decline, than thats ok, it doesn't mean that they reject you and don't take it personal.

I have saved a few people's lives when I got the midnight call of distress and let me tell you, if your not open or sensitive to people's feelings, you will miss it! You could over look the signs of someone on the brink of taking their life and one wrong reply will send them over the cliff. You never know which straw will push someone over the edge. Those people that I went to the rescue at their time of need will probably agree that it was a petty issue looking back, but at the time it was a huge mountain and they couldn't see on the other side to know that it was going to be ok.

When problems flare up, lets be like Doctors coming with band aids. Even when surgery is necessary, if at all possible, doctors try and make the patient as comfortable as possible before they go in as they prepare for surgery. No doctor goes to inflict unnecessary pain on purpose. They prescribe pain killers to ease the pain and sometimes our words are the only sedative you have on hand when your friend or loved one comes to you saying, I don't feel good today. Remember that even doctors must take the time out to listen fully to what the problems or symptoms are before they can begin to diagnose. Relationships are similar and most people stay for the joy ride. When you ask them why, they will say I like the way the person makes me feel. The flip side is that most people will break up with yo Azz because they DIDNT like the way you constantly made them feel either.

One can leave feeling stitched up and feeling good or either torn apart and left in shambles. Its your choice and I suggest you use your powers for the good and betterment of all mankind like a super hero. Lets be like Jesus who came not to destroy but to help heal the world. He said we could do greater things then he did and I am convinced we can start with healing and even saving our relationships with right words. Even if they seemingly start out as negative, simply throw on your bib and allow them to throw up all that nonsense on your shoulder. Don't begin the cleanup until their done.

Too many people disconnect or break-up because the world seems angry all the time, or offended easily and looking for something to go wrong and tick us off. Everyone is stupid except for us... Really? Wrong focus. Everyone knows you can only fix a problem when you focus on the solution. Sometimes it's about having TACT & TIMING. I know because I have destroyed a relationship or two and sent the other person running in the other direction trying to help out with good intentions (so I thought) but leaving them feeling judged. How does this happen? Misunderstandings and just not as skilled in relationships as I thought I was because different people need different things. There is no simple one time, one way to fix all.

At the end of the day, lets stop asking people what's wrong and start asking, WHAT'S RIGHT? Lets learn how to help make others turn, what seems like a bad day to a shifting of consciousness which turns into, I feel a lot better because of you BEING THERE for me! Always be aware of how you LEAVE others. Why because that's what people remember and it's what lingers on in their minds.
; )


Your smile is your logo, Your personality is your business card,
How you leave others feeling after having an experience with you is your trademark!
-Jay Danzie

P.s. Handle your business & Let's all continue to work on our brand. ; )

For inquires and bookings or to sign Jay Danzie's official guestbook goto:

P.O. Box 8171 Bloomfield Hills, MI 48302
Success in Progress (S.I.P. Inc) Have a SIP?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Top 10 reasons to marry a woman with at least 2 kids

1. Be a Role Model
*If you are the type of person who likes for people to look up to you, then children are so innocent that even Hitler can persuade them to follow them unfortunately. The flip side is if you're a good person than you can shine in the lives of innocent ones and be a light for them. They can have a healthy positive example in which they now can live their lives.

2. Leader of your own crew
*Nothing feels better than a man to feel missed and/or wanted. Children happen to be natural followers, therefore you wouldn't want to miss making a huge impression at the cub scout meeting. When you suggest an idea, they will usually co-sign with your idea which will give you courage to carry to execute it more successfully.

3. Repair your "Player's" reputation
*People seem to sympathize with a man taking on the challenge of fatherhood. When a man will step up to the plate, its good. When a man steps up to the plate to a woman and her children, fathers them and takes care of them, you are now in super hero status. All you have to do is be consistent from that point forward. Even when you make a mistake if its not too serious, people will be forgiving to you and when love is planted as a seed, it will always show up to rescue you.

4. "In House" worker Bees
*How frustrating is it to start a project and not have the help you need to finish. My mamma was good for showing us examples of how to relax as she looked at the remote, which was about 3 feet away from the TV. She would call me all the way out of the basement, while interrupting what I felt like was an important game of tag, just to come all the way upstairs and pass it to her. Some parents make even their children slave over giving them massages etc. When the kids get older, you can make them baby sit, wait for the cable man to come, and work the family business for peanuts. I guess slavery does still exist. Sheeesh. 

5. Helps you to mature
*You are now forced to be cognoscente that you are influencing those innocent ones minds around you. They see and mimic everything you do with a microscopic lens. Fighting becomes a last option instead of a first. Walking away and ignoring some one stupid is now placed in your lap so you can demonstrate exactly how walking away makes you a bigger man. Now you realize manners are really helpful in conflict resolution. I mean when you step on someones feet then you can possibly escape a serious fight, simply with a sincere apologetic "I'm Sorry or I apologize"

6. Drives your desire to make more money
*Something about knowing that you have to produce or your family will starve stirs up creative juices. It will make you bust your tail when your back is against the wall. There was even a survey that says most millionaires have at least 3 kids in the household. If you want to be motivated, try having 3 or more hungry mouths to feed in your home and they are all depending on you.

7. Cultivates a finer giver within
*If you want to learn how to be less selfish, then marry a woman with lots of kids. You wont be able to say no for long without being looked at as the villain. Just like people will sympathize with you for stepping up to the plate and taking care of kids that you didn't birth, those same people will crucify you when you do not show compassion & concern for others especially the children. you wont be around long before your heart moistens up for those puppy dog eyes staring at you with a need. Even if its just their hearts desire saying please, it will drive you crazy to not do everything in your power not to at least make the attempt to get it for them. 

8. Cures loneliness
* If you ever need company and hate a quiet house, by all means find a woman with children. I promise you that you will never have to worry about that again. I remember when I was a kid, I searched high and low for a monopoly partner. I couldn't wait to claim my throne as Uno and Connect Four King. Something about wanting to play two square melted my soul. Well I am older now and guess what? People still have desires to be around others. That's why we go to the movie theaters. Its the interactions with others that we need to survive. Fellowship is a must and now that I am older I just do different things like Dance. Sometimes a house is not a home, when there's no one sitting there. Sometimes just the presence of knowing and feeling someone else's energy in the next room is enough to make us feel comfortable. 

9. Built in sports teams
*When you have 5 kids you have a basketball team, when you have 9 you can have your own baseball team. You have motivation. Not only that but it can give you time off to relax. While your presence will be needed and missed when your not around, they will not suffer from loneliness. You have given yourself an escape by giving them siblings to step in on your behalf.

10. Win more fights
*Its no secret that many, not all, battles are won in  the presence of the side with the greatest numbers. You can utilize the crew (the more kids the better) as an intimidation factor to ward off unwanted predators. To out number competition means to be deemed favorable in not only diplomatic voting situations and probably win family fights as well. Most of the time, just because your crew is so big, people will pass on the fight option. Why take an ass whooping when all you have to do is show up in numbers and the other side backs down. ijs

Conclusion: A "Ready Made Family" does have many benefits.

While the truth of the matter is that everyone doesn't want a "Ready Made" Family but there are many benefits for those who do. When we remove restrictions and embrace the the challenges, then its the triumphant experiences that we reap. When we embrace our inner fears about raising a family, we then open ourselves up to all kinds of endless possibilities. When you mix this with love you will always create fun, cherished, memorable moments, never to be erased that will live on in the hearts others, forever.
- Jay Danzie  
Join me regularly at...


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Men & Abstinence... Barbara Franklin interview 4-12 pm

Check out my interview with Barbara Dean Franklin... Enjoy!


Thursday, January 12, 2012

Does Jealousy strangle your loving relationship? ...excellent by Kathy Labriola


By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse

In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is jealousy. Despite how enlightened we think we are, most of us experience jealousy if our spouse or lover has a sexual relationship with someone else. A few rare individuals never experience jealousy. They are either more highly evolved than the rest of us mortals, or else they are pathologically out of touch with their feelings. I advise clients to treat jealousy as a given: assume that it will occur, and be prepared with strategies to successfully address it and minimize the damage.


We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually it is a whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience when you feel jealous. What is the primary emotion you feel when you are jealous? Demystifying the exact components of your jealousy can be a giant step towards getting a grip on things and resolving the problem. Is it always the same for you or does the mix change from time to time depending on circumstances? For instance, one woman figured out that her jealousy was about 50% fear, 20% anger, 20% feeling powerless and 10% feeling betrayed. However, when she asked her partner for reassurance and affection, and he provided it, the anger and betrayal disappeared. Then her jealousy was much more manageable, because most of what was left was fear and she could express those feelings more easily to her partner and resolve them.


It is crucial to understand what jealousy is and what it is about. Jealousy is about fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability.

For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind the jealousy that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Behind jealousy there is an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will not be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face. When jealousy kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we feel that our very survival is threatened. When you feel jealous, ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"


Jessica believed in open marriage but she became insanely jealous when her husband John initiated a sexual relationship with Carol. In counseling, it became clear that Jessica had already felt lonely and neglected for years because John was obsessed with his work and didn't give her enough time and enough sex. Behind her jealousy we as feeling of scarcity and deprivation, and an unmet need for love. As soon as John started spending more quality time with her, their intimacy was greatly enhanced, and her jealousy virtually disappeared.

Kate and Peggy are two bisexual women involved in a long-term relationship. Peggy got very jealous when her lover started a relationship with a man. In counseling, Peggy realized that she felt insecure about Kate's commitment to her. Behind her jealousy was an overwhelming fear of loss and abandonment, and she feared that Kate would leave her for this new man. Kate reassured her that she was fully committed to their relationship, and Peggy was able to move beyond jealousy to full acceptance of her partner's new lover.

Greg had many affairs outside his marriage, but when his wife got involved with a hunky, much younger man that she met at the gym, he became very jealous and threatened divorce. In counseling, he admitted that he was feeling old and unattractive and felt very threatened by his wife's new lover. She reassured Greg that she loved him and that she was still very sexually attracted to him. Behind Greg's jealousy was the fear that his wife would reject him sexually, as well as his own insecurities about aging and loss of sexual prowess.

George and Marsha lived together many years, but were on the verge of breaking up because George got involved with Barbara. After a few counseling sessions, Marsha realized that she only got jealous when George saw Barbara on weekends. Marsha demanded that George reserve weekends for her and see Barbara only on weeknights. The new relationship upset her schedule and shook up her sense of security. As soon as she was guaranteed every weekend with George, her jealousy subsided. After several months, she felt secure enough that she told George he could see Barbara one weekend night each week, and they negotiated a schedule that seemed equitable for everyone.

Bob and Peter are two Gay men in a committed relationship. Bob wanted sex much more often, so Peter told him to go to the baths and have casual sexual relationships with other men. However, he became angry and withdrawn when Bob actually went out, and was even less inclined to want sex. In counseling he revealed that he was worried that Bob might have unsafe sex with other men and be exposed to HIV/AIDS. They agreed to both be re-tested for HIV, and negotiated a clear agreement that they would have only 100% safer sex outside of their relationship. After that, Peter's jealousy subsided so much that he began asking Bob to tell him all about his sexual adventures. This sharing sexually aroused him and as a result they began having sex much more frequently.

Sara, a bisexual woman, was involved with Dave, a straight man. Dave got involved with Helen. Helen was very jealous of Sara, and demanded that Dave leave Sara. Sara understood Helen's feelings, so she encouraged Dave to spend more time with Helen to help her feel more secure. Sara also called Helen to reassure her that she welcomed her and wanted to cooperate to make this work out for all three of them. After a few months Helen gradually became less jealous and stopped making such extreme demands for Dave's time and attention.

Beth and Mark had agreed to an open relationship, but Beth was very jealous when Mark told her that he wanted to start a relationship with Janet. Beth asked Mark and Janet to give her a month to get used to the idea before becoming sexually involved, and they agreed to wait. As Beth got to know Janet she decided that Mark had excellent taste in women, and she gave them the green light to have a sexual relationship. The first few nights Mark spent with Janet were very hard for Beth; she couldnít sleep and was very frightened about the future, but she waited it out and her jealousy faded. Because she felt she had some control over the situation and had a voice in how it unfolded, her jealousy was minimized.


Our society is addicted to three core beliefs about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even in the most well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these beliefs without even realizing it. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs in our "heart of hearts" is the single most effective way to short-circuit jealousy. Ask yourself how much of you believes each of these three statements. Is it 90% of yourself that believes them? 50%? Notice which belief is most entrenched in your subconscious mind and which one youíve made the most progress on:

Core Belief #1

If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldnít have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else.

This belief sees any interest your partner has in anyone else as a direct reflection of how much (s)he loves you. Itís a quantitative view of love which equates the amount of love with the ability to be interested in having another partner. When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple that gives birth to a second child must not love their first child or they couldnít possibly have any interest in having a second one.

Core Belief #2

If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc., my partner would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldnít want to get involved with anyone else.

This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least blame it on your partner for not loving you enough. This belief says that if your partner is interested in someone else, itís your fault for not being the perfect lover or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly believe that your lover could only be interested in another partner because youíre inadequate, you can see how that will generate jealousy big time!

Core Belief #3

Itís just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.

This belief is built on the "scarcity economy of love", the belief that love is a finite resource, there is only so much to go around, and there is never enough. Therefore, if my partner gives any of her or his love to anyone else, that necessarily means that thereís less for me. Because most people already feel there are some areas in their relationship where they are not getting enough of something (time, love, affection, sex, support, commitment) they are fearful that they will receive even less if their partner gets involved with additional partners.

Because each of these beliefs is connected to a very primal fear, they take time and effort to overcome. The first belief expresses a deep fear that you are not loved and will be abandoned. The second taps into our insecurities and the fear that we are not adequate or deserving of love, and the third is a fear of deprivation and being starved for love and attention. So have compassion for yourself and your partner(s) as you work with these beliefs and gradually replace them with beliefs that support your desire to embrace open relationships. Try on these new beliefs instead and see how they feel to you..

New Core Belief #1

My partner loves me so much that (s)he trusts our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others.

New Core Belief #2

My relationship is so solid and trusting that we can experience other relationships freely. My partner is so satisfied with me and our relationship that having other partners will not threaten the bond we enjoy.

New Core Belief #3

There is an abundance of love in the world and there is plenty for everyone. Loving more than one person is a choice that can exponentially expand my potential for giving and receiving love.

The fact that these new beliefs sound so strange and almost laughable to us at first shows just how deeply the old paradigm beliefs about love and relationships are ingrained in our consciousness. It also underscores the importance of dissolving these old beliefs if we ever hope to enjoy multiple relationships free of jealousy.


Jealousy is almost always most intense right when one partner starts a new relationship, and usually subsides over time. A new romance shakes up everything in your life, including your existing relationship. I use the analogy that adding a new relationship is very similar to having a baby: while it can bring great joy and excitement to your lives, you are adding a new person to your family, and this creates a whole new dynamic in your relationship. Just like a new baby, a new relationship will change your schedule, your lifestyle, and take a lot of your time and energy, as well as adding a major source of stress to your life. And, like a new baby, it is an unknown quantity, and it is impossible to predict how it will change your life experience and what kind of intense feelings it will trigger. As with a new baby, flexibility and willingness to open yourself up to a completely new experience are crucial in adjusting to a new relationship.

At the beginning of a new relationship, fear of loss and abandonment are at their peak. Fear of the unknown and fear of change can be extremely uncomfortable as well, because, as one woman put it, "There's just no telling where this thing will go from here." As the drama of a new romance gradually settles into a more manageable relationship with clear parameters, most people relax and realize that this is not going to be fatal to the initial relationship. If you are the partner initiating a new relationship, you can significantly reduce your partner's initial jealousy through clear communication and reassurance that you are fully committed to staying with him or her.


A new relationship can dramatically alter power dynamics in a relationship. Particularly in a triad or triangle situation, where one person has two lovers and the other two only have one, an unfortunate dynamic of competition and a struggle for control can arise. This can be minimized by encouraging all parties to communicate their needs openly and by negotiating reasonable agreements that are fair to everyone. The person with two lovers should bend over backwards to avoid a power struggle and make sure both of his or her partners get enough time, attention, affection, commitment, and sex. If someone in this position abuses power, they should be called on it immediately. Both lovers should become allies to demand a change in their partner's behavior, rather than allowing themselves to be manipulated against each other. Unless everyone cooperates and is careful of each other's feelings and needs, it is easy for one person to feel like the "odd person out." No one should feel powerless in a relationship-- there is enough love for everyone to be satisfied.


Learn to accept jealousy as a normal but exaggerated response to a stressful, emotionally charged change in your life. I often use the phobia model to help clients manage jealous feelings. For instance, if someone is afraid of heights, a therapist would pinpoint exactly what situations frighten that person, and then gradually try to make those situations safe enough to tolerate. By exposing someone with a fear of heights first to a few steps and then to a ladder, and then going up an escalator, and eventually even going to the top of a hill or mountain. By gradually experiencing the situation that triggers the phobia, and by incrementally escalating that exposure, a person can slowly overcome their fears.

To treat jealousy, I ask clients to pinpoint as specifically as possible exactly what is triggering jealousy for them. For instance, Susan identified that what upset her most about her husband Bill's affair was that he spent the night with Rachel, and Susan felt lonely sleeping alone. Bill agreed to come home every night, as long as he could spend a few evenings with Rachel. After a month, Susan realized that she was no longer jealous, and she agreed to let him spend one night a week with Rachel, with the caveat that if she got really jealous she could call and ask him to come home. After a few more months she decided that it was okay for Bill to spend two or three nights a week with Rachel, and she only got jealous when Bill forgot her birthday and made a date with Rachel for that night. Throughout this process, Rachel was willing to be very flexible to accommodate Susan's demands, as she understood that securing Susan's cooperation was essential to making this relationship work for everyone. And for Susan, what worked was an incremental approach of exposing herself to exactly the situations she feared the most, and gradually learning to tolerate and even embrace this new situation.

Jim and Joan are a married couple. Joan became involved with Ruth. Because Joan had never been involved with a woman before, Ruth feared that Joan would drop her and go back to her comfortable married life. Ruth demanded more time and commitment from Joan, but Jim got very jealous when Joan started spending more time with Ruth. Faced with two jealous lovers, Joan came for counseling, and eventually negotiated an agreement with them both: Jean would spend a few nights a week with Ruth, but each night she would call home to check in with Jim, and would go home if he was feeling too lonely and jealous. Jim agreed that if this worked out, after six months Ruth could move in to their home and Joan would divide her time between them. After six months, Jim was not ready to let Ruth move in, and he asked to extend this for another three months, and by then his jealousy had subsided to the point where he welcomed her into the household. While it's great to negotiate a plan so everyone has the same understanding and expectations, it is crucial to be flexible and willing to wait for all partners to be ready to take the next step. If any partner feels coerced into moving faster than feels comfortable, the old phobic "fight or flight" mentality will kick in, and the relationship will be sabotaged.


Using visualization and guided imagery often helps get down to the "nitty gritty" of what is causing jealousy. close your eyes and visualize your partner initiating a new relationship with someone else, either someone they are currently interested in our involved with or with an imaginary "hypothetical lover". Watch the entire scenario unfold as if you were watching a video of the entire process.

Begin with when they first meet, the initial spark of interest, going on a date, having dinner or going out, going home with the new person, getting undressed, having sex, sleeping together, waking up in the morning, your lover coming back to you and telling you about the relationship, how your lover treats you, what itís like being with your partner again, etc.

As if you had a remote control, press the pause button for a few moments at any point along the way where you feel discomfort or jealousy. Try to identify exactly what mix of emotions you are actually feeling at different points as the scenario unfolds.

Most people are surprised to find that visualizing their partner having another relationship like this is generally painless except at certain key moments and those "triggers" are different for each person. For instance, one woman discovered that going through the entire sequence was actually pleasurable and sexually arousing except that she freaked out at visualizing her husband getting into "their" bed with another woman. She then made an agreement with him that he would only sleep with other women outside their home, either at the womanís house or at a hotel, and this made her feel safe. Another man found he was comfortable visualizing his partner having intercourse with another man, but became enraged when he visualized her giving head to the man. He considered fellatio as extremely intimate experience and asked her not to do that with any other man and she agreed to that condition.

Another woman found the entire visualization extremely comfortable, much to her surprise, until she got to the part where after having sex, he husband talked to the new woman about his feelings and emotions. She realized that she didnít mind her partner having sex with another woman, but felt extremely threatened by him having an intimate conversation with her!

When you discover exactly what triggers your jealousy, it puts things in perspective. Realizing that you are only jealous of a small piece of the overall picture makes it much more manageable. After identifying you jealousy triggers, you have two basic choices. You can "engineer the problem away" by making agreements with your partner to avoid that particular behavior or situation, as shown in several previous examples. Or you can use the "phobia model", taking the risk of gradually exposing yourself to situations which trigger your jealousy in the hopes that you will learn to tolerate and eventually feel comfortable with it.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no simple and easy solution to jealousy. It usually requires trial and error to discover what works for your individual situation. And jealousy can bring up many powerful feelings and unpredictable emotions. So be gentle with yourself and your partners, and donít expect instant changes. Try to be understanding of each personís needs and feelings. Make every effort to create a "win-win" situation for everyone by giving each person as much voice as possible in decisions and rule-making. And be willing to compromise to make sure everyone's needs are met.


Being involved in non-monogamous relationships requires being willing to stretch ourselves and to tolerate a certain amount of discomfort, risk-taking, and uncertainty, especially at the beginning. While jealousy can be literally paralyzing at the outset, usually the balance of pain to pleasure will gradually shift until the enhanced satisfaction and joy will far outweigh the anxieties and insecurities. If you find that you and your partner(s) are unable to resolve jealous feelings on your own, get some outside help. Having a long talk with supportive friends can give you a fresh perspective and some honest feedback. Joining a support group can also be helpful, as other people who have been in similar situations may have good ideas for creative problem solving. Individual counseling or couple's counseling can also create a safe environment for each person to express painful feelings and identify possible solutions.

Despite their best efforts, some people find that the fear and pain evoked by a non-monogamous relationship are too overwhelming. They may decide that it's just not worth the trouble, and may opt to return to a monogamous lifestyle. The first six months of exploring this new lifestyle are usually the hardest, so if you survive that, most of the hard work is behind you, and you can relax and enjoy the wonderful relationships you have successfully created.


Kathy Labriola provides low-fee counseling for individuals, couples, and groups. She has extensive experience assisting people with the challenges of non-traditional relationships, health problems and disabilities, HIV/AIDS, sexual orientation crises, political activism, and class struggle. She also facilitates discussion and support groups on open relationships, health and disabilities, and political activism and burnout. For further information, or to receive free educational pamphlets, call (510)464-4652.

Kathy Labriola


1307 University Avenue

Berkeley, CA 94702

(510)464-4652 or (510)841-5307